The Many Benefits of Daily Smooshing

The Many Benefits of Daily Smooshing

Picture

This morning in my bed, first thing, my eyes just barely, bravely opening into our new day, my little sensuous creature-son appeared by my bedside, threw back my covers, dove into bed next to me, and said in a boisterous voice that probably felt quiet to him: “Goodmorning. I love you Mama. Can you please smoosh me now?” So, so deeply still in my blissful transition zone, and yet how could I resist his request? I sleepily mustered up the energy and rolled all my weight on top of him and kissed his sweet little creature face. Typical of the ritual, as soon as he couldn’t easily breathe, after about 20 seconds, he lovingly pushed me off, and, sighing deeply, said: “Thanks. Thanks a lot Mom.”

Along with being perhaps the most affectionate, sensual little person ever, he’s always really liked to feel sheer physical pressure and weight.  Since before he could even talk it was easy as his mom to intuitively get that he needed to be deeply contacted, physically met, wrestled and cuddled of course, but sometimes almost momentarily trapped, contained by another’s body, pressure and weight. I remember when he was about 10 months old I needed to literally roll around with him and on top of him in order to get him to sleep. Little wild lion cub. I’m sure there is some pathological term for this, having to do with sensory integration or some such thing. My mama-sense shows me that he is simply so intensely embodied, with such huge energy as a soul inside that relatively small form, that his body is deeply comforted by feeling where his edges are; to feel truly physically met with presence, fully contained and lovingly constrained, in ritual.

This morning, lying there with him, out of curiosity I found my morning voice to ask him: “Why do you like to be smooshed, Ezra?” Without hesitation he said: “Oh! Smooshing? So many reasons, Mom. Sometimes it makes me feel more love. Sometimes it makes me feel more safe. Sometimes it makes me feel my power inside my heart. Sometimes if I am missing you then I do not miss you any more. Sometimes it makes me feel very calm and relaxed. So many reasons to like smooshing, Mom.”

Yes, indeed. And how true this is for many of us, right? Here’s to smooshing and being smooshed, on a regular basis. And here’s to knowing what we like and asking for it. <3

“More Than Enough”: Single Mothering on the Topic of Partnership

“More Than Enough”: Single Mothering on the Topic of Partnership

Picture

Last night as I cuddled up with my sweet girl in our bedtime ritual, Arayla (9) decided to check in with me about my state of heart-mind regarding romantic partnership in my life. She scooted up onto her elbows in bed, looked deeply and kindly into my eyes, and with gentle, pointed concern asked: “Are you feeling at all sad about not having a partner right now, Mama?”

She’s always been exceptionally psychically attuned, and this combined with my tendency towards transparency, along with the intense connection between what we call “our special eyes” has made it difficult to hide anything from her, even in my best intentions for protecting her from my own emotions and/or thoughts. (It’s been a great lesson in vigilance!) And so, over these last 4 years of my journey through single motherhood, she has known me to move through times of deep longing, prayer and active intention for partnership, companionship, wishing deeply for the sheer practical presence, sweet support, and loving devotion of a special man in my life, who could also receive all this love I am alive in part to share. And there have been a few truly beautiful men who have come through along the way, exquisite men, with whom my children and I have all fallen deeply in love, even though ultimately it wasn’t the right long-term match.

Recently, inside a deepening awakening that has been catalyzed inside my heart, something has truly and profoundly fallen away for me around this fixation, this longtime longing, prayer, intention, life-energy focused on “calling in The One”, my divine masculine counterpart, king to my queen etc… and the sense of need/desire within me for that profound union to manifest in order to know absolute fulfillment in this lifetime. Quite the powerful and consuming force it’s been, this desire! And what unimaginable freedom to truly let it go, even at this amazing stage of ripened, 40 year old self-knowing, truly wisened juiciness, with so much finally to give and receive within the divine realm of sacred partnership; to feel finally how there is no comparable fulfillment(!) to this already found inside my own deepest heart; and really, REALLY, nothing else is needed.

And so it was truly beautiful to be able to peer into my gorgeous daughter’s questioning eyes, and with total sobriety respond honestly: “I’m not feeling sad, no, beloved. I’m feeling blessed and grateful. And I’m feeling completely at peace with the possibility of maybe NEVER being in a partnership again. If it comes, and it’s truly right, and so deeply beautiful and obvious for our life to include that man and the blessings he brings, then I will open to it, yes, and feel grateful inside that too. But I’m not going to look for it anymore or wait for it, or even want it really. I feel so full and complete in this love with myself, and Spirit, and this precious life with you and Ezra. It’s already more than enough.”

Arayla was quiet for a minute, scanning my voice, face and eyes to ascertain absolute truthfulness. Then she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me in close to her, while sweet waves of joy radiated and engulfed me from inside her heart.  She said breathlessly and simply: “Oh Mama. I have been waiting so long for you to realize that.” This statement startled me a bit, and gave my heart a pang of ache to feel she had been waiting for me(!) to awaken to something she could already so clearly see. Oh my goodness: my astute, brilliantly wise daughter. Humbled, I said: “You have, haven’t you?” Then I added: “Thank you for being so patient with me, love. I’m sorry for being such a slow learner!” And she chuckled, quietly, hugging me, and said: “That’s ok, Mom. We all have our places. Like me, with math.” We both giggled at that… lying there like sisters entangled in one another’s arms and sweetly pounding hearts and tender awakening truths.

And then we just breathed together quietly for a stretch. After a while I said: “Can I sing to you now?” And she said simply: “Yes, please.” And so I sang her a lullaby I have sung since her little baby body was growing inside my own. And she curled her young maiden self into my mother-softness, her forehead gently pressed against my breast, her breath deepening as she let me fully and completely be the Mama. <3

On Celebrating Boundaries

On Celebrating Boundaries

Picture

This morning my beautiful changeling daughter, Arayla Grace(9) came into my bedroom while I was getting dressed. She was wearing one of my deep v-neck shirts that she found in her own dresser, a laundry mis-hap…it was way too big for her, and inappropriately sexy, but she was holding it up in a certain way, adorably, saying “I think if we just pinned it right here, Mom, it could look really nice?”  I hugged her close, smiling, and said “Um: maybe in a couple of years…?” She smiled, too, both of us aware of her eagerness to embrace womanhood.

At that very moment I was in the midst of some internal processing, regarding a powerful relationship in my life, and only somewhat consciously chose to casually express out loud to Arayla what I was feeling. I looked to determine her response or reflection, and her face was hard to read. Then she said, quickly “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” And swung on her heel, rapidly exiting my bedroom and heading into her own.

I felt a tad stunned by her clear assertion of boundary, and immediately felt badly, wondering if I had un-intentionally violated her psychic space, by inappropriately including her in my adult thoughts. This is a pattern from my own childhood, as the oldest child, firstborn daughter~ where from an early age I both involved myself, and was choicelessly involved in the adult workings of my parent’s lives. And though I have been conscious and intentional to respect my daughter’s innocence, and let her freely be inside her childhood, I know I have, on occasion, had a tendency of over-sharing. Her wise, insightful, astutely perceptive ways, as well as her frequent curiosity and incessant questions about my honest experience of processing life, has set up a dynamic that at times resembles my own childhood relationship with my parents, more than I am comfortable to admit to myself.

After waiting a moment I followed her into her bedroom, and said “I really respect your communication to not talk about that, Love, and I’m truly sorry if that was inappropriate to share with you. I just want to check in and see if you’re upset, or need to say anything?” She smiled at me warmly, looked me directly in the eye, and said: “ No… I just felt like that was none of my business.”  And then she said, “Mama, do you like how this shirt looks with my jeans? Do you think I need an undershirt?” I looked at the sheer quality of her shirt, and replied “Yes, I think an undershirt would be good.” And I left her room, considering in quiet awe the unhealthy multi-generational pattern that had just been broken in Arayla’s bold willingness to be true to herself, and in my willingness to respectfully honor her boundary, making careful note to do a better job of not even subtly involving her in issues that “are none of her business.”

I think about last Summer, and a certain familiar dynamic I found myself in at the age of 39, with my now divorced parents, and my need to speak a boundary into the space, in self-protection and self-respect. How long it has taken me to communicate subtle boundaries to my parents, and ask them to honor them. How humbling it is to see my own growing edge in creating healthy boundaries with my beloved children, and in other relationships in my life. How fuzzy the line becomes for some of us, between love, and the need to share everything~ And how an unwillingness to listen, to be involved, to partake in a conversation, can feel, to the one with weaker boundaries, like a shutting out of love, of intimacy. How beautiful to continue to invite a new and evolving awareness around this, to embody it and celebrate it. I bow to this mysterious playing field of human relationship~ so many opportunities to learn, to reflect, to change, to bring my actions more deeply into alignment with my heart’s wisest intent. Blessed be. <3

Pin It on Pinterest