My beautiful girl Araela (almost 9) has been openly expressing a lot of disgruntled irritation and sadness about my leaving for 9 days (the longest stretch I’ve ever been away from my kids) and how inconvenient and unsettling this is for her. Once I return from Kauai I’ll be home for only 4 days with my children before I leave again for my TAKE HEART cd release mini-tour with MaMuse. Upon hearing this news Araela said: “Couldn’t you have scheduled this differently mom?? I mean this just really doesn’t work for me!” I’ve been tenderly holding space for her understandable feelings, while also standing strong and firm in expressing the sacred importance of both these events~ Beloved baby Coral’s birth, and then the chance to share my poetry & cd creation with a larger audience. I’ve also been voicing how much fun I believe she’ll have with her grandmother, who meets her artistic drive in such nourishing ways.
Last night, before bed, tired with tearful anger, Araela lashed out at me poignantly: “Sometimes I wish I had a mother who didn’t need to love the WHOLE WORLD so much! Sometimes I wish your whole job in life was just to love me and Ezra, and just take care of US.” She added bitterly: “Maybe I didn’t really know this about you? When I chose you to be my mom? How much you’d care about everyone else, too?!”
Oh my sweet, sweet girl. I climbed up into her loft-bed with her and spooned her as she cried softly inside her experience of longing and lack: stroking her hair and giving her tickley-scratch, tenderly singing into her ear the lullabies she’s heard since she was born, just holding space for her to feel what she was feeling, and feel my undivided presence with her. As I sang to her I recalled a psychic reading I had when I was 23, during a short stint of living in Vermont, with a channel who was renowned for her powerfully aligned and astute readings. What I remember most was when I asked her about whether I would get to be a mother in this lifetime (a path I had craved from the time I was a young girl.) And she said “Yes, you will be a mother to at least 2 children from your body in this life. And that will be a very powerful part of your path and service. But your children will have to learn to live with your deepest contract in life being for ALL the human children of the world.” All the human children: That has always stayed with me.
What an amazing thing it is to mother consciously in this world: full-heartedly, with deep intimacy and presence, while staying awake to the many other roles and offerings and callings we are drawn to & compelled to attend~ through both financial necessity and emotional/spiritual/relational need?
I think of my own mother, at 62, sharing so much of her time taking care of her own 93 year old mother now. Flying out to support me, her daughter, in following my other callings and heart responsibilities. I am so grateful to her generous sharing of her life with me, so I can in turn share my life as it calls me to, beyond my role as mother! So grateful to my daughter for facing this discomfort of missing me, so clearly naming her disappointment and longing. And so grateful to myself for modeling for her what it means to balance a huge-hearted existence: honoring them, myself, and my callings: my love extended in many directions. So many births and transitions and duties we face as mothers, as daughters, as women who love, who care, who show up to fully attend the lives around us, while yearning to feel deeply met, held and backed within our own sacred, fleeting lives. I leave for Kauai tomorrow~ to presence another mother bringing yet another wholly-wanted beloved daughter into the world. Blessed be: another sacred cycle of torch-passing begins. <3