It’s been exactly six months since my children and I uprooted from our longtime home of Sonoma County, CA and landed back in Ashland, Oregon. This last stretch of months have been the longest, quietest break from writing and sharing I have known in many years. I am baffled and humbled to somehow encapsulate and transmit the learning I’ve gathered through this time of huge life transformation~ as my children and I moved, bought and renovated our first home, and unexpectedly expanded in love and family.
And while I’ve choicelessly held my tongue these last months, what a time has unfurled in our world, personally impacting so many of us~ earthquakes and hurricanes, devastating floods and annihilating fires, an increasingly horrifying political and ecological landscape, exposing at once the darkest and brightest potential of our humanity.
I suppose in times of great change, pivotal transition and rapid transformation, it can be natural to take time to retreat inward and reflect silently. Some chapters ask that we deeply tend the intimate familial hearth, while others insist we shine our hearts boldly into our expanded human circles. I believe I’m on the bridge between two such chapters, tenderly emerging from a chrysalis of huge life transformation towards a fresh moment designed for openly sharing.
It can be a vulnerable thing to share good news, in the midst of so much heartache in the world. But I trust good news of this sort can carry its own vibrancy of medicine for the world.
Immediately after moving back to Ashland, six months ago, I met (re-met) the man I’ve been waiting to meet all my life. We actually met 8 years prior, when we were both still married and living in Ashland. At that point we silently acknowledged the riveting spark, and respectfully moved on with our unfolding lives.
And so now, having been ripened and honed for such a meeting, without entertaining doubt or hesitation, we immediately bowed in with a very deep and powerful YES to sharing life and love and family together. We had both been preparing for each other, and for a union of this depth, power and magnitude, all our lives. And so when the time came, it was easy to recognize what was being offered.
And so what a thing it is~ to get to come together in wholeness and powerful self-love, mutually resourced by sovereignty and truth. What a thing to not have romantic projection and other unmet needs running the show! And what a thing to revere holy partnership together as a container designed to instigate deeper awakening, healing and service in the world; by the very force that calls us ever-more truly home to the LOVE we are.
It has not been all honeymoon, my friends. It’s a big fucking deal to join lives at mid-life, with all the mess we’ve already made, and the karma we carry with us, and the children we’ve had with other people, and the ways by now our hearts have been broken in disillusionment and scarred by disappointment. It’s a big deal to bravely dive in, in spite of all our past failures, to leap not so much with faith but with surrender~ to the love we know we HAVE to live. It’s a big deal to rise to the occasion of true, mature love, beyond our immensely compelling defenses against love, that naturally arise especially when given a partner who is our equal. It’s a really HUGE deal to blend families, to ask our children to become siblings with new children, to ask our own hearts to stretch into loving and parenting children we did not consciously intend to nurture and raise.
My beloved Orionne is a nourishing gift of joy and solid, grounded heart in our lives; truly an answer to all of our prayers. He surprises and delights me endlessly, daily, with his profound capacity for showing up in the real-life human ways that truly matter. Oh I could name so many reasons: the earnest compassion and kindness he so naturally embodies and extends, the wise mirror he respectfully holds up for me in moments I need it most, our delicious laughter, and passion, and shared vision for partnership, family, and service. The way we walk through the hottest relational fires, truly challenged and tested, and come out the other side even more fully committed to love. But most of all it is the simple, mysterious and undeniable HOME we find resting in one another’s arms and hearts that makes me feel so immeasurably blessed to be the woman who gets to serve, and live, and love by his side.
Wilder, (2 years old) the child I didn’t know I would be called upon to love and mother, is such a tenderly powerful teacher of surrender to love for me. I thought I was done raising little ones, you know? I thought I had graduated a long time ago from diapers and sticky fingers and toddler tantrums. There was a certain breath of relief I had arrived to as my beloved Arayla and Ezra (12 and 9 now) had entered this older, more independent stage of childhood. And so to open to fully loving another baby~ a baby I did not pray to conceive, nor grow inside my womb, nor nurse from my breasts~ has painfully and sacredly stretched my Mama-heart, my hands, my prayers, in ways I did not know they needed to be stretched. But they surely did, as here is a love that asks for my surrender like no other love. It humbles me immensely.
Moments I find myself taking in these 3 beautiful children, and this treasure of a man by my side, as we stand on our beautiful land we’ve been somehow entrusted together to steward, surrounded by the beautiful mountains of this wondrous Rogue Valley, and I truly can’t believe how much my life has transformed in such a short time! A year ago I didn’t even have a thought of moving away from the Bay Area; couldn’t have even imagined moving back to Ashland, or how I would ever find a way to buy a home?
Life has such a profound way of asking us to listen to the tides that yearn to carry us forward, into our next cycle of vital lessons and learnings…
As I stand with you now on the brink of a New Year, I join you in prayers for us all. I pray for our resilience as a people, and the necessary intelligence with which to pave our way through the madness, towards the grace of forgiveness and courage these times require of us.
I send you love, I send you bounty. I send you this tiny spark of faith in humanity glowing in my own heart that recognizes itself also glowing in yours…
I meet you in the silence, as we envision brighter times ahead, as we give thanks for our lives, for the restoration of beauty and balance that has yet to come, and for the chance to live as beacons of love through this dark season…
With all my love to you and those you hold dear, xoxox Jesua