On Mothering our Maidens~ & the Perfection of Limitation

Jan 2, 2014 | Musings From A Conscious Parenting

Picture

What an incredible transition I find myself in, mothering my daughter through this potent “9 year change”~ navigating her swings, feeling our love stretch and evolve to meet her thrust of strong-willed individuation, surrounded by tender vulnerability and attachment…

One poignant recent moment, Araela sidled up next to me in the kitchen while I prepared dinner, and said out of the blue: “You know Mom? It’s not that I ever wish you were a different mother, exactly?” She touched my arm so I would look into her eyes and see her sincerity. Raising my eyebrows, curious where this was going, I said “Oh, really?” She continued, nodding in confidence: “It’s just that sometimes I wish you had….um…different qualities?” Touched by the safety in which she articulated her insight, I asked her: “What qualities do you wish I embodied more of?” Clearly having considered this deeply, she said: “Well~ Animal Husbandry, for sure. You know, Mom, like farming with animals and knowing their ways?” I chuckled: “Yes, knowing you, I can certainly see why you’d wish that!” She continued: “Yes, and also farming and gardening~ working with the seeds and earth and food? That’s so important to me, you know.” I nodded in agreement, still at the kitchen counter, massaging the avocado into the raw kale salad, and said: “Well, how lucky for you that your Papa IS inspired about those things…?” She hurried on: “Yeah, but I really wish you were too. And I wish you liked cooking more. Even though the food you make is yummy. I wish you got more into it, you know? I wish you got more into a lot of things.” Sort of humored and a tad stunned, I laughed: “Well~ thanks for the reflection and feedback my love.” She said: “You’re welcome,” tossing her hair and pouncing off to the couch.

I admired her sensitive and skillful communication, and wanted to be gracious and mature, but my heart also stung for a moment, and tender tears came to my eyes, taking in the reality that we seem to have officially reached the end of my being “the sun, the moon and the stars” for her. Feeling my limitations and imperfection as a mother in her eyes, clearly articulated by her desires that I meet her differently. Then I had a self-compassionate thought: how crazy it would be to expect I could guide and mentor my children in all the ways they crave to be nurtured? How freeing to just bow into the truth that in being fully myself I cannot meet all of my children’s needs? And that I’m not meant to.

I decided to step closer into this fire of reflection and asked: “Anything else you’re wishing could be different about your Mama, Araela Grace?“ She sauntered back to my side by the kitchen counter, and after thinking for a moment, said tactfully: “Well, for a Mom?… You can be a bit…um…Starry-eyed?” I laughed at her word-choice, repeating: “Starry-eyed?” She stroked her fingers along my waist, walking away: “Oh you know Mom, you’re just sometimes, kind of, in the stars?” I smiled at her languaging, but it also impacted me. I responded: “Like sometimes you feel I’m distracted, or not fully present with you, Baby?” She considered this: “Sometimes, yes, especially with your stupid phone. But more it’s like sometimes I feel you’re with me, but at the same time you’re in the stars??” I nodded: “Oh, I see. Yes, I think I know what you mean.” My heart throbbed a bit, feeling into what she was reflecting.

And then I recalled myself as a little girl, perhaps even more “starry eyed” then, with an intensely earthy mother~ a gardener, weaver, potter, cook, seamstress, who was amazingly grounded and constantly set up projects for me to do: busy, busy, busy. And yet how lonely I felt inside our connection at times, as I yearned for my mother to drop into the quiet Mystery of God with me, to peer into the subtlety of overlapping realms; to contemplate the vastness of Source, and the nature of spiritual love that captivated me so, even as a young child, with such potent curiosity. And how little interest she herself had in those realms~ so fully, unapologetically herself she was. And the many mentors I then sought and received as I grew into my womanhood, who met me in my love for God and Truth and the arts of spiritual healing and prayer and dance and writing~ in all the ways I so deeply craved. Which eventually delivered me to an ever-deepening love and appreciation for my amazing human mother~ with all her awesome, creative and earthy ways.

I returned my attention to my sweet blossoming daughter: this little earth girl, this fully descended angel who passionately loves horses and bunnies, delights in the change of seasons and hay in her hair, the magic of soil and necessity for dirt on her hands, who seems to have been born with the ability to identify plants and herbs, who can knit a small animal in a handful of minutes and is endlessly creative with scissors and tape and string. And her elegance and eloquence and maturity and exquisite perceptivity that amazes me so. And what a mystery it is, that she chose this starry-eyed, spirit-focused mom to birth and raise, guide and adore her so, the way I do.

I called the children to the dinner table, and served food onto their plates. And as Araela sat down, I said to her: “That must be frustrating and lonely for you sometimes, Love, to have such a ‘starry-eyed’ Mom in this earth-walk, loving all the things that you do.” She looked at me tenderly, and said thoughtfully: “Yes~ but it’s also what’s so wonderful about you, too. I wouldn’t want you to be different.” I said sincerely: “Thanks my love.” And as I sat down with them, I said: “And you know what? I’m super excited to meet all those people who are going to mentor and guide and even mother you in all those ways I can’t, Beloved. And then, maybe? Someday? You’ll come home and make us the most beautiful garden and cook for us the most elaborately inspired meals, teach me all about the animal creatures and show me your ways.” She smiled, nodding in excited agreement at that thought, then stood up and wrapped her little arms around my neck and said sweetly: “Thanks for making the kind of Kale-avocado salad I like.” And with a softly sobered and open heart, I said: “You are welcome.”

Facebook Comments

More Blog Posts

Praising Angels

One of the many gifts that came from my early childhood intimacy with traumatizing illness, was the way in which it opened my psychic centers to be able to “see” and “hear” energetic realities that remain elusive for most. While it took me a couple of decades to work...

Stewarding a New Way

As I witness all this outrageous trauma playing out on the global stage between man and woman, one of the most poignant components it illuminates for me is the power we hold in how we choose to steward our daughters and sons in these times. What is our part to play in...

Smoky Grateful Boredom Breakthroughs

My son Ezra and I had a glorious breakthrough about boredom a few days ago, and I’m inspired to share it with you, in case it just might be contagious. (And no, it wasn’t about boredom breeding creativity or genius or whatever it was someone wise once said, though I’m...

A Year of Leaning In

A couple of weeks ago Orionne and I celebrated our one year anniversary! What a meaningful threshold for us to cross. And what a profound year of leaning in it has been. We met (re-met) one year ago in July and immediately bowed in to a most extraordinary love. We...

“Free of Mom”~ Attachment & Surrender

The other morning I was sitting at my desk writing, when suddenly my son Ezra was beside me, tapping me on the shoulder in his fluffy red bathrobe. As I turned to greet his morning brightness, he surprised me by tumbling completely into my arms, so I had to move fast...

“But either way, isn’t Love always the answer?”

“But either way, isn’t Love always the answer?”

“But any way you look at it, isn’t Love always the answer?” That’s what my beloved partner said to me yesterday with fierce truth pouring from moist eyes, devotedly calling me back, in a moment when defense had gotten the better of me, to the common ground of our...

Graduation from a Life Chapter; The Endless Changing of Form

I’ve got some big news to share~ about a large life change in the works for my sweet family. One night, about 6 weeks ago, as I closed my eyes to go to sleep, I was suddenly struck with an unexpected lightning bolt of revelation. It went something like this: “And Now You will Move With The Children Back To Ashland.” It truly felt more like an announcement from my soul, than any kind of choice I was being offered to contemplate. I was shocked, confused, and somewhat triggered. I […]

Being Single~ Yearning, Prayer, Surrender and Fulfillment

Garethrockliffe.com I’m inspired to tell you a story from a recent bedtime conversation I had with my son, on the topic of being single, and the prayer for partnership. It’s a tender topic to personally speak and write about, but one that so many of us share in common. And so I humbly offer my voice to the collective conversation.I’ve been contemplating my own single womanhood and single motherhood a lot lately, in a particularly focused way. It’s interesting to consider the stigm […]

Nurturing Self-Love as Healthy Self-Image~ A Clothes-Shopping Story

Due to the vulnerable nature of this writing, this piece is published with explicit permission and blessings from my brave and generous daughter Arayla, who after reading it shared her hope that our story might serve in some small way~ especially other mothers and daughters, in navigating the steep challenge of healthy self- image and radical self-love in our culture. One of my most treasured delights as the mother of my beloved daughter Arayla, (newly 12 years old,) is the incredibly swee […]

Our World, Our Mirror~ Rupture, Projection, Responsibility & Repair

Our World, Our Mirror~ Rupture, Projection, Responsibility & Repair

It's difficult to know what to say in these times, but I'll give it a try.  While this horrifying drama is playing out on the world stage, I’m finding it useful to notice how this translates in my own privileged life. For it to get this crazy on the outer stage of our...