Ezra (7) would play quietly on the floor in his bedroom, building elaborate lego ships and jedi warriors, talking softly in that wonderful way of imaginative play. Arayla (11) would lay reading in her bed until the last possible moment. And I would transition slowly in my bed, softly turning from side to side, breathing, drifting, spaciously integrating my notoriously rich dreamtime before rising into the new day.
But now, suddenly, for the last couple of weeks, for no particular reason I can see or track or name, the children have organically returned to their old tendency of coming into my bed in the morning. First one child, then the other, then the happy puppy too… all of them crawling into my welcoming arms of “good morning my loves!” And I have once again found my early morning bed overflowing with golden-skinned snuggles and tender caresses; sweet kisses of exquisite togetherness. One child tucked under each wing, and the puppy cozied up with her little paws pawing away, her whole body joyously squirming and wagging, so uncontainably happy to belong to this moment of family with us all.
I actually loved those months of waking alone; my quiet, holy solitude; the gentleness of my own morning presence. After many years of night-nursing babies and co-sleeping toddlers, I suppose that when nights and then mornings began to find me utterly alone in my bed, I only knew to delight in the sweet nourishment of my own blessed space~ to sleep, to be, to wake in precious peace~ what luxury!
And yet of course how I also love this spontaneously rekindled invasion of my personal space! How could I refuse my beautiful beloveds, who are changing and growing, individuating so rapidly it seems, there are moments I simply gasp in awe and disbelief that these huge and increasingly independent humans~ with all their bold proclamations, insightful questions and intricate complexities~ were once my little nurslings(!)~ clinging like barnacles to Mama’s exhausted embrace.
There is a distinct preciousness to what is shared in the waking space, isn’t there though? In the newness of new day, the clean slate of morning light, a fresh generosity is present.
I love listening to what the children find pertinent to share at this hour. I love the sheer physicality of lying there between them, one on each side, the sounds of their voices in my ears, and witnessing how they relate to one another as siblings from across the terrain of my chest, each of them fiercely claiming the piece of my heart that is theirs alone, while surrendering to the whole what they know by now can only be shared.
Even if some part of me silently groans when the sanctity of my waking space is descended upon (“Oh please not yet, not quite ready yet…”) I know enough to cherish what’s unapologetically fleeting.
How much longer will my exceptionally independent son love to nestle his growing boy body into the warm morning flesh of his mama?? How much longer will my blossoming daughter whole-heartedly choose to share such intimate morning space with us in bed? Oh of course I hope the answer is: forever…forever.
But life changes us, becomes us anew, and we cannot know how or where it is taking us.
We can only cherish what’s here, savoring both our time alone and together, breathing it all so deeply in…while surrendering it simultaneously to the greater mysterious flow to which it already belongs.
We can only say yes, yes to the ever-changing tides of life; the mornings that find us blessedly or sadly waking alone, and the mornings that find us snuggled sweetly together, sacredly invading one another’s space.
Yes to all that’s lost and taken, claimed by the fierce ways of Life Changes~ yes to the grief, the compassion and the wisdom that these losses bring. And yes to what’s brought and given, delivered to us continuously in this new moment of Life's aliveness~ in all its fullness and emptiness, the breath, the tedium and the treasure of holy mundane.
We can only say yes to the moments when we don’t even recognize our own evolving hearts, our swiftly aging bodies, our ever-shifting relationships. And say yes to the moments when we discover freshly what it means to cherish it just as it is, to savor it right here now, to purely presence Life’s wondrously mysterious Being.
We can say yes, more and more fully, quietly, simply, to what it finally means to live as Love.