Q: “I'm 38 and in the process of choosing whether or not to have a child (through sperm donation as I'm married to a woman). I've always thought I would and people close to me have always seen me as someone who would be an amazing mom. Just the other day the realization that I don't HAVE TO have a child came through for the first time. Although I've considered not having children, prior to a few a days ago, I had never really let myself know that I actually DO have a choice. What surprised me the most is the relief I felt in knowing that I have a choice. For many years I 'thought' that part of my purpose was to birth and raise a conscious light being and now I'm taking a step back to really look and ask. What comes up for you in reading my words?”
A: Thank you for reaching out, connecting and asking for reflection on this tender and provocative topic! I guess what first comes up when I read your words is just to affirm for you: yes! It is absolutely a choice! And a very powerful, humbling, forever-life-changing one, at that… which is why it is really best if you can find your true YES to it, before you bow in. I think it’s beautiful to notice the relief you experience in light of seeing the choice you have, and to really sit with what that relief is telling you. I always knew it was part of my path to be a mother, to bring in these amazing souls and get to steward them. What I didn’t know was why and how it would be such profound and challenging medicine for my life to truly integrate.
I’m one of those people who could have just been a healer, writer and teacher, sovereign and empowered in my service.. In my 20’s, on a deep spiritual path of discipleship and devotion to truth, I experienced more bliss and joy and peace and fulfillment than I had ever known. It would have been very easy and empowering for me to NOT choose the path of motherhood… to just devote my life to the spiritual path of service that was naturally unfolding. But I had a HUGE and undeniable desire, a holy longing and spiritual command, definitely enhanced by the biological/hormonal urge, to become a mother. I also had a very deep, direct experience of connection with the souls of my children, before they came in, and it was like feeling/seeing/knowing these beloveds who I missed so deeply, and could choose to be reunited with in the deepest form of love.
In truth the path of motherhood has become inseparable from my work as a healer, teacher and writer. Not in that my entire focus is on the conscious parenting teachings….that’s really only a small piece of my work… but in that motherhood has grounded me, and tethered me to the planet, has humbled me, like nothing else could have. It has been the steepest spiritual path I have ever experienced, and my children are teachers who command that I walk my talk, that I embody the love I preach, that I actually evolve, continuously and rapidly, in part so as to show up for them in the way they deserve. It has made me have a visceral connection with humanity, with both future generations and our ancestors, with my own womanhood, and sexuality, in ways that nothing else could have. Mothering my two children has brought so much angst, so much depth to my heart journey, so much unimaginably vulnerable love and attachment. So much joy.
Like anything~ any relationship, path, project, home, etc…motherhood will not give you what you might hope it will. It will neither save you from your heartache, nor fulfill your deepest life purpose. Not if your path is dedicated to living in the deepest truth. Some of what you imagine it would give you will most likely be fulfilled, such as the biological yearning to experience motherhood, or the feeling of being so deeply needed and loved by a small creature!~ Though you never know what your actual experience of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding would be… They are all incredible rites of passage that involve exquisite beauty as well as challenging initiation and immense surrender.
Motherhood, like every path, will simply challenge you more deeply to be true to the truth. It will stretch your human self immensely~ your patience, your selflessness, your bodily needs, your heart’s capacity to open and break and heal and open again. It will come with so many losses~ losses of your independence, your sleep, your pre-motherhood belly and hips and breasts, your time to yourself, your time with your partner, your silence, your freedom to be narcissistic and self-absorbed; it will demand that you evolve your capacity to juggle a great many things and relationships simultaneously, while still finding a way to care for yourself. A relationship with a child is simply another holy relationship~ messy and complex, alongside awesome, life-changing love. Motherhood has an uncanny way of bringing up our own experiences around being mothered~ any lacks or longings, grief, fear, abuse or imprints we received in our own experiences as children will need to come to conscious light, if they aren’t to be indulged and further passed down the line to our children, and our children’s children. Motherhood is an amazing honor and responsibility; exhausting, heartwrenching and rewarding beyond measure.
The babyhood phase is such a beautiful time: challenging~ yes, but oh so sweet(!) to have a little one, a beautiful little Buddha in your midst~ so open, innocent, pure, and entirely mutually devoted in love and need with you!! And then the ego comes in, around 18 months~ and you suddenly get: oh my goodness, this soul has their own personality, their own lessons to learn, their own genetics to work with, their own karma to resolve. And also: oh my goodness, this mother-role is truly all-consuming! It never ends. It’s never a job you get to go home from. And the love only deepens and expands with your child, of course, as you both grow and deepen in your bond, but it also is humbled and hobbled, stretched and challenged as our children come into their own beings and voices, opinions, sensitivities, demands, and hormones of their own!
Whatever choice you make~ to mother human children, or to let your life force be used in other sacred ways, you will get to continue to experience longing and grief, heartache and challenge~ because this is the human path of growth, of feeling deeply ALL that is here for us to feel. And in either path you will have the opportunity to keep waking up~ to the ever-present Truth, Source, Silence, God, Heart in which it all arises~ and all the love and joy and passion and delicious laughter that a life fully lived includes. If you bow into the path of motherhood, I cannot imagine you would regret it; though you would most certainly experience deep grief and loss around all the deaths motherhood includes. If you choose not to be a mother, you might always wonder if you should have…or perhaps you would come to deep, true peace that this was the highest path for what you are uniquely here to learn and live…AND your life energy would embrace a kind of sovereign freedom that motherhood tends, for most of us Mamas, to sacrifice.
Finally, you can simply wait until you are clear~ (though I understand it can feel straining when the biological window is narrowing..) and then hand it over to Spirit to see if it’s destined to be.
I hope this helps, beautiful one. What a sweet mystery it all is!
Only love, xo Jesua
(ps: I am available for private sessions, in person in the bay area, as well as on the phone~ on this potent life issue, or anything else that is currently alive for you!)