Please forgive my absence! I’ve been wanting to write to you, but instinctually craving retreat. I think the whole passage from traveling to Kauai to attend to my beloved Sister Victoria before her beautiful daughter Coral’s birth, then upon landing immediately lunging into a very full 5 day cd release tour for TAKE HEART, with the exquisite band MaMuse, was such an immensely full OUTBREATH, of my heart and life energy. And in the two weeks since my return I have been balancing that with a very deep INBREATH~ of life and love in my little family…returning to mundane simplicity, beach days with the children, seeing my healing clients, cooking and cleaning and nesting. Now, now I’m ready to reflect and share with you all.
Our three TAKE HEART concerts: in Chico, then Sebastopol, and Santa Cruz, were such a truly incredible gift to participate in, to surrender to, to receive the amazing teachings of. Right now, as I close my eyes in remembrance, I am moved to tears by the beauty of them; the delicious alchemy discovered between Sarah and Karisha and myself~ dancing with grace between the poems and the songs, such a potent space of love and grief and truth we wove and invited everyone to courageously dive into with us. Finally it felt utterly natural to share my heart so nakedly, so publicly, and to simply trust that my deepest prayer, that my words could somehow be medicine, would be answered. And yet this natural surrender was not discovered without needing to meet a fair amount of discomfort and anxiety in the weeks and days leading up to it. It’s amazing what comes up in the face of vulnerably exposing our work to the world. All the inner demons of egoic self-doubt: “Is this worthy of sharing? Will I be judged? Killed, even? It’s not perfect enough to give; I’m not perfect enough.” There was a poignant moment in Kauai, showering outside in the rain, in the luxurious outdoor shower at Victoria’s house, a mere 6 days before I would begin our tour, that I fell to the earth, sobbing, the shower pounding on top of me, raindrops pouring down, in sheer terror and resistance, such pure anxiety about letting what is within me OUT, exposed, for all the world to see. A deep prayer for help, for courage, for surrender.
And then leading up to our first concert, in Chico, the egoic burn only deepened. Intuitively, psychically, I was getting a sense that the people who were coming to the concert in Chico that night were mainly coming to see MaMuse, whose amazing enchanting music all of us so deeply adore, and that they would suffer through these poems of Jesua, only because it would allow them to hear the music of MaMuse they so loved. So painful, these feelings! And then, as though in perfect alignment in test from the universe, we discovered that someone, without the permission of MaMuse, had posted misinformation in the local newspaper announcing that MaMuse was releasing a new CD(!) and the concert was that night, with no mention of Jesua, or poetry or anything of the sort! How perfect, right?? The perfect set-up for my annihilation. And so, a great many people came that night expecting a MaMuse CD release concert, not this other unfamiliar experience, including many poems of motherhood, loss, love and grief from this unknown character Jesua! Many people left half-way through the concert, confused as to what they had walked into. The evening was still incredibly beautiful, and alive with delicious truth.
But the next day, driving back from Chico towards Sebastopol, with one night break between concerts, I stopped at Harbin HotSprings to try and unwind some of what was profoundly stirred up in my soul. Around the 3rd round of hots and colds, I began to drop into the real core of what was triggered, could feel the raw human emotion inside my heart, and was propelled into a deep dialogue with God~ about my service in this lifetime, the medicine I’m here to carry, and my immense resistance to what I felt was being asked of me. It sounded something like this: “I just want to be a teacher of Love. Of the possibilities of awake parenting, of truly living in love. I want to sing the beautiful songs too, and make people’s hearts soar. I want to inspire people with the Truth you allow to pour through my words. I want to invite and invoke a deeper knowing of true love in this world. “ And God said: “Yes, yes, daughter.” And I said: “But I don’t want this other assignment: of bringing death out into the open, so boldly, of asking people to walk intimately with the truth of imminent death, of the countless losses we are asked to face in this earth walk. I don’t want to make people so uncomfortable! It makes ME uncomfortable to ask them to stretch. I don’t want to bring their grief to the surface. I don’t want to reunite them with their deepest fears. And people don’t even like poetry! They want music! They can’t pay attention that long to really take it in! I want to be liked, loved, to be well-received. I want to give people what they want, not what they resist opening to. I don’t want this assignment, Beloved! I want only what feels good, what makes our hearts sing, not what makes our hearts weep. Dear One, why are you asking me to do this? Can’t you get someone else?” And God said, holding me as I wept true, deep tears of resistance into the healing hotsprings, “Oh but you’re the perfect one for the job, Love. Don’t you see? YES, you are a teacher of Love. But only through facing death, opening to truth of our grief and fears, feeling all that we least want to feel, can we really embrace True Love at the core of life. Just be honest and vulnerable and humble, sweet Beloved, just tell the truth of how you feel.”
And so, following this breakthrough, the next night at the Sebastopol concert, which was truly breathtaking at the dhyana center, packed with so many of my closest friends, their eyes glistening bright with love and celebration, and my beautiful children present in the front row, as well as so many people I didn’t know from Sebastopol and the extended bay area, I spoke right at the start of the night to this holy and uncomfortable stretch I was inviting. We had a bowl of water on the stage in honor of the grief medicine being invoked, and we opened up a sacred space from the beginning, asking people to stretch to the less comfortable aspects of life we were illuminating. What followed was the most breathtaking night. At the end everyone stood and gave us a standing, bowing ovation. We all stood there in the absolute nectar of grace and truth for countless, timeless moments. I felt so deeply well-used, so seen, so fully shared with my community. What a gift. Santa Cruz, the next night, was more of the same. Such grace, such alchemy, true love.
I came away from this experience not only having faced a deep fear around exposing my work to the world, and having been blessed with 3 exquisite evenings of music and poetry, love, tears and laughter, but more intimately married to the medicine I am here to walk with. It was such a perfect unfolding, all of it, allowing me to know with such humble gratitude that I am being asked to carry and deliver and invite and invoke what I am because I am the perfect one for the job. That no mistake has been made. That we can truly trust whatever it is we are called to say, to share; what authentically moves through us, knowing it is just right, just what is needed, just what is called for in these wild times on our planet. And that while the darker aspects of life are certainly less popular than the light, in truth we all crave the deepest union between the two, the deepest forgiveness between the two, the truest knowing of that which is WHOLE enough within us to include it all, to include the truth of our deaths, our terrors and our griefs and our immensely vulnerable love.
I love you. Thank you. Bowing. Xo ~*~ J