In the presence of immense disillusionment about romantic love, sourced in part by spiritual maturity and the appropriate humbling of dreams, but also informed by past relational failures, heartbreaks, disappointments and even unmistakably poor discernment in love-choices: how do we find the courage to still open to romantic love, to truly receive and trust it, to rest our weary souls and scarred hearts into it?
We get a ton of therapy, energy work, read books, attend ceremonies, do our conscious grief work, etc… right? Right, and then still, from this relatively “healed” place, this mature, grounded place of immense self-love and true receptivity to healthy union, when we really begin to open to new, raw, potent love, how can all those past experiences still not shadow the present somehow? Trauma lives in the body, in the human flesh of the beating heart. Disillusionment is wise and discernment essential. And yet, and yet, how the heart and soul and body yearn to fully surrender~ to spread these trusting wings into the sky of love and soar.
In a family, particularly one that has weathered the storms of divorce, each of us must stretch to open to change, no matter how much we want it, to let a new person into our hearts, to receive a new experience of family. It’s such a fine and tricky line to walk as a mother, to generously include my children in love in the early stages, supporting cohesion and honesty in our family field, while protecting them from inappropriate exposure to unnecessary heartache. I feel such fierce protection for their tender hearts, and the natural attachment that comes for them to new people they meet and so easily fall in love with. Both of them so transparently yearn for an experience of home-life that includes a beautiful man in my life. They are unabashedly clear about it. We are all over the single-mama chapter.
And so I feel protective of them not from the loving they experience with my new man, of course, but for the potential loss of that form of love; for the fear of their being imprinted with an excessive experience of impermanence in relational love. So tender is this 3 years-post-divorce trauma~ that somehow I still want them to know relational-partnered love to be a sustaining, dependable, consistent and trustworthy place in which to place their precious hearts. Somehow I still want to guard them from any sense of jadedness about romantic union, that ultimately it “never works” or is always flimsy or short-lived.
And yet, how, in reality, can I protect them from love in life, and the truth that forms are always changing, that change in life is in fact a constant, and that, no matter how our hearts break, (and blessedly break OPEN) from loving deeply, we must still be courageous and generous in our loving? That we must take leaps of faith with our hearts, play fiercely and fully in the realms of love, and share our selves fearlessly, while somehow standing in wise discernment, self-contained in wholeness and self-respect all the while?
As I write this I recognize it is of course not only my beloved children I feel protective of, but my own precious heart, waiting for a blessed union for so long now, cautious of saying yes too soon, or too fully, before it is really “safe” to do so. Is it ever safe to say yes to deep, wild, pure, untethered love? Rumi’s love-poems, full of angst and burning, do not come from a heart that is safe in devotion. True Love is messy, catalytic, stretches all our carefully honed edges, illuminates all our tenacious defenses, brings us painfully face to face with every time we were less than fully held and seen, begs us to lean into discomfort, uncertainty, and the divine, blurred edges where two becomes one, becomes two becomes one, again and again. True love in Union is a holy space, a space of luminosity, of God. And God is anything but safe, dependably knowable and consistent.
And so, and so: I say yes~ slowly, cautiously, deeply, with discernment and courage. Moment by moment, staying present, I say yes to love, I say: please come in, open me, open my family to a new medicine of receiving, of resting, of playing and delighting in love. Open me to a deeper trust in my own heart’s capacity to live freely in love: matured, seasoned and humbled by past experiences, yet un-jaded, untainted by the pain of the past. May I protect my children in their knowing of what is finally, truly trustworthy~ which is their own capacity to love and be opened by love; their own unwavering wholeness regardless of the constant changing forms of life. May I protect my own heart as well, by staying grounded in what sustains me, regardless of any other, which is my holy union with Source, with LOVE itself. May it be so and so it is. Love in all directions. <3