We just got home last night from a week of gorgeous ocean air and family beach play down in West Sonoma County. It was such a sweet relief to escape the smoke for a bit. It was a tender time for us as well, as we all stretched open wider into these deepening bonds.
This was the first time in a year Wilder and I became ready for him to be carried in the pack on my front body, and as we walked the long stretch of beach he snuggled so deeply into my Mama bosom and heart. I’ve carried him in the pack on my back since I met him, but there’s a particular intimacy in carrying a child on the front, snuggled close into the belly and chest. It invokes a delicious feeling of primal connection and sacred togetherness.
It’s been an utterly profound, humbling, and at times deeply painful process this past year to allow the attachment between Wilder and I to organically find itself; claiming our mammalian cells and human hearts. Creating secure attachment as a mother to Arayla and Ezra was a process I was able to completely take for granted. Our attachment felt (and feels) like a divine given; as natural, simple and enduring as love itself.
And yet creating secure attachment with our beloved Wilder— this child I did not consciously wish for, nor conceive, nor grow inside my womb, nor birth, nor nurse from my breasts— has been an altogether different journey. It has asked for unending patience with myself, maturity, careful listening and deep respect for Wilder’s process.
With all the layered complexity and inner conflict my Mama presence has invoked for his heart at times, learning to feel safe and bonded in our love has taken a lot of courage for both of us. Maybe that’s why it feels particularly special when I can feel the trust opening and deepening between us; when I can feel this primal unmistakable presence of maternal love for him surging raw within me; when I can feel it moving into the realm of “a divine given; as natural, simple and enduring as love itself.”
What a fierce teacher and teaching this has been! Allowing our bonding to take its own path, form and timing— has broken, opened, seasoned and wisened my heart like no other relationship. I’ll be writing more about this potent and vulnerable topic, I’m certain.
For now I’ll simply say: here’s to Love in all its wild and wily forms and the many wondrous ways Love brings us to our knees, so as to grow us up into the very one we want to be!