Letter To My Daughter Upon
My Beloved Daughter, my Angel Girl, my Love,
I nursed you for the last time tonight. You drank from my body, my breasts for the last time, after drinking from me day and night for the last 2 years and 5 1/2 months. You drank from both sides, and asked me explicitly to please not sing and please not talk to you tonight while you nursed. You drank a long time, my love. You emptied me.
I prayed while you drank that any last drops of this sacred milk, this love-medicine, this immune-boosting nectar of mama-care, fill you, fill your cells, your breath, your heart, your light…and that you might carry this unique blessing of heart-body-love within you for all your days to come.
I nursed you with my breasts for the last time tonight, Little Love, but I will nurse you with my heart, my words, my silence, my laughter, my shining eyes seeing you, my listening, my hands touching you…for as long as I live. I will always nurse you, and you will always, in some amazing way, be my baby, my nursling, my sweet love, my angel child.
Today I let go of you, in the water, and you floated, treading your tiny hands, kicking your little feet with terrific aliveness, your head just barely above the surface, your eyes shining with excitement and pride: to swim(!) by yourself, untethered, unbound, to fly for a moment, in water, held up by breath and blood and desire and light and intention and movement. Amazing. And then quickly I caught you again, the very moment your eyes asked me to. Small steps of separation, of liberation, of blossoming. Small rites of passage into the next now, the next here, the next this of us.
I nursed you for the last time tonight, and I lie down, peacefully, this particular form of holding you, feeding you my heart. But I will never stop holding you or feeding you my heart, in whatever ways are right and true for us to live.
You are my child, and my teacher. I will look inside my heart to know each time when to let you go, a little more, into the vast waters of your self, and I will watch you carefully, I will watch your eyes, I will listen to the silent speakings between us, to know when to gather you up afresh, so close, so tight, into my arms, into this ever-present home of my Loving.
I am yours, forever. I love you beyond telling~
Letter To My Son On His First Birthday
My Beloved Son, Beautiful Boy, Our Bright Star,
One year ago today you emerged from within me, born into your own breath, your own distinct body in our world. This first year of you has been so full of gifts, I am humbled to try and encapsulate my awe and gratitude for you in a letter.
I remember 3 years ago when I used to wake in the night from a dream of your face, calling me. I remember what it felt like to miss you, and long for our reunion in form. I remember still what it felt like to perceive the flavor of your soul from where it sat, waiting, it seemed, for your next conception in matter. I remember how I could feel your brilliant love even then, enfolding me and us all in its dynamic fire, these warm dancing rays of you.
From the moment we consciously conceived you, I was in some distinct way challenged to evolve, to surrender more fully into life, to both rest and arrive into the heart of my own being, as never before. Carrying you within me was like carrying the Sun, you burned me from inside out, burned away so much unnecessary grasping, unnecessary gestures of control. Your message to me from the beginning my son, has been “This love is fierce, this love is kind, this love is hilarious(!) and you’d better just start letting go a lot more! Give it all to love.” Giving birth to you, with you and Grace as my guide, was the ultimate ecstatic surrender to the power of Life itself, the power of Love. In bringing your body through mine, my body and heart were opened to their own glory in such extraordinary ways, that I will live forever in the wake of these gifts.
When I recollect these last 12 months of presencing the ongoing landing of your person, feeling our family stretch and grow and ground in finding itself anew with you, I feel how it has been a deeply challenging year in some ways, a year of remarkable Grace in so many others. And throughout this year how I have needed to return again and again to the teachings of surrender and trust. I have needed to look into your clear, bright eyes, and those of your beautiful sister, and be reminded of what is so utterly simple, within a world of complexity, which is This Love you shine and evoke and command, and my commitment to shepherding your lives in the most authentically heartful and truthful and joyful ways I can muster.
Sweet Boy, everyone who meets you is touched by your beauty. By your large-hearted, exceptionally deep embrace. By the way you take all of us in, and pour out your heart, startling us with the endlessness of your hug, how you pat us on our backs so tenderly, and look us in the eye, and make us all, each one of us you meet, feel so incredibly beloved. The wisdom you shine, the solid, rooted physicality you embody; the way your humor accompanies so much of what you do, your laughter tumbles out of you, seemingly limitless. The way you “Maaaaa” deep-throated like a goat when you are delighted, the way you won’t be pushed around or forced to do anything you don’t please. The way at times you need to be wrestled to sleep like a baby lion, and other times toned to sleep like a baby monk. Your startling strength, your bright will, your gentlest fingers stroking us with love. And as I begin to see these glimpses of your ego coming in, these moments of stubborn opinion, these emotional expressions of your inherent “me”, the dreaded shrieks of “mine”, I am humored and I am humbled to behold yet another angel diving headfirst into this difficult and wonderful realm of humanness.
Our world, it seems, is in a profound time of transition, my son. So much needs to change in order for peace to reign on our Mother Earth, in order for it to be a world that can meet you, and all the children of the Earth, with the health to let you thrive. I do not know what will come. But I know there is so much brightness inside this dark night of humanity, so many hearts awakening to our birthright of peace, and our empowered capacity to make huge healing changes for our world. I do not know what will come, but I know that as I hold you and your sister, and all the little children of our world so fiercely close, in deep instinctual protection of your preciousness; I also know that you are our ancestors, come to circle the wheel once again, come with all your wisdom to help us move to the next great season of life on Earth. I don’t know what it is you are ultimately here for, what it is you have come to give; that is a discovery you will make and share in time. But I know it is my great, true honor to steward you and your sister as you change and grow and love and shine your lives out from within.
My beautiful son I thank you with all my heart for your birth, your life, your love that changes me daily, blesses my own growth in this lifetime. Thank you for challenging me in all the ways you do. Thank you for testing my resolve, for beckoning my continual dedication to truth-telling. Thank you for the way you peel open my heart and my mind, and strengthen my body so I can do my very best to meet you, and carry you, in all your large-bodied, bright-starry love, into this world you so deeply wanted to be born to.
I thank you.
In this Love Eternal,