Last night as I cuddled up with my sweet girl in our bedtime ritual, Arayla (9) decided to check in with me about my state of heart-mind regarding romantic partnership in my life. She scooted up onto her elbows in bed, looked deeply and kindly into my eyes, and with gentle, pointed concern asked: “Are you feeling at all sad about not having a partner right now, Mama?”
She’s always been exceptionally psychically attuned, and this combined with my tendency towards transparency, along with the intense connection between what we call “our special eyes” has made it difficult to hide anything from her, even in my best intentions for protecting her from my own emotions and/or thoughts. (It’s been a great lesson in vigilance!) And so, over these last 4 years of my journey through single motherhood, she has known me to move through times of deep longing, prayer and active intention for partnership, companionship, wishing deeply for the sheer practical presence, sweet support, and loving devotion of a special man in my life, who could also receive all this love I am alive in part to share. And there have been a few truly beautiful men who have come through along the way, exquisite men, with whom my children and I have all fallen deeply in love, even though ultimately it wasn’t the right long-term match.
Recently, inside a deepening awakening that has been catalyzed inside my heart, something has truly and profoundly fallen away for me around this fixation, this longtime longing, prayer, intention, life-energy focused on “calling in The One”, my divine masculine counterpart, king to my queen etc… and the sense of need/desire within me for that profound union to manifest in order to know absolute fulfillment in this lifetime. Quite the powerful and consuming force it’s been, this desire! And what unimaginable freedom to truly let it go, even at this amazing stage of ripened, 40 year old self-knowing, truly wisened juiciness, with so much finally to give and receive within the divine realm of sacred partnership; to feel finally how there is no comparable fulfillment(!) to this already found inside my own deepest heart; and really, REALLY, nothing else is needed.
And so it was truly beautiful to be able to peer into my gorgeous daughter’s questioning eyes, and with total sobriety respond honestly: “I’m not feeling sad, no, beloved. I’m feeling blessed and grateful. And I’m feeling completely at peace with the possibility of maybe NEVER being in a partnership again. If it comes, and it’s truly right, and so deeply beautiful and obvious for our life to include that man and the blessings he brings, then I will open to it, yes, and feel grateful inside that too. But I’m not going to look for it anymore or wait for it, or even want it really. I feel so full and complete in this love with myself, and Spirit, and this precious life with you and Ezra. It’s already more than enough.”
Arayla was quiet for a minute, scanning my voice, face and eyes to ascertain absolute truthfulness. Then she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me in close to her, while sweet waves of joy radiated and engulfed me from inside her heart. She said breathlessly and simply: “Oh Mama. I have been waiting so long for you to realize that.” This statement startled me a bit, and gave my heart a pang of ache to feel she had been waiting for me(!) to awaken to something she could already so clearly see. Oh my goodness: my astute, brilliantly wise daughter. Humbled, I said: “You have, haven’t you?” Then I added: “Thank you for being so patient with me, love. I’m sorry for being such a slow learner!” And she chuckled, quietly, hugging me, and said: “That’s ok, Mom. We all have our places. Like me, with math.” We both giggled at that… lying there like sisters entangled in one another’s arms and sweetly pounding hearts and tender awakening truths.
And then we just breathed together quietly for a stretch. After a while I said: “Can I sing to you now?” And she said simply: “Yes, please.” And so I sang her a lullaby I have sung since her little baby body was growing inside my own. And she curled her young maiden self into my mother-softness, her forehead gently pressed against my breast, her breath deepening as she let me fully and completely be the Mama. <3