This morning was one of those mornings where it was quite clear that all the retrograde planets were colliding and exploding in my very home! Ezra’s alarm didn’t go off at 6 am as he was expecting it to, disrupting his cherished self-made morning rhythm of showering and playing early, before Arayla and I rise, so he can claim his 7-year-old space and his center.
And so I woke first thing, my softly open and tender morning self, to his enraged yelling and blaming and storming around the house… So much harshness for my sensitive early-morning heart and ears. I found myself energetically cringing, the sorrow creeping in. And then, after his hateful rage storm towards the world had moved through the house, he decided it was time to turn it towards himself, yelling out heartbreaking things, like “Maybe you should just put me up for adoption?! Who would want such a mean child like me?”
Oh my dear heart~ how it aches in moments like these. These incredible young people, my challenging offspring/housemates, my amazing and terrible beloveds~ how they work my patience, my kindness and compassion like nothing else.
A few minutes later, when the storm had passed into grumbles, I heard Arayla (11) quietly counseling her little brother~ “Ezra, please stop feeling sorry for yourself. So your alarm didn’t go off and you didn’t get to take a long shower. Is it really worth all this? And please stop telling yourself that story of suffering…it doesn’t help anything or anyone.” I chuckled to myself: how convenient, at least, that I have cloned my own consciousness…
I called an urgent family meeting at the altar in the living room. It was 7:22 am. Arayla, Ezra, and our little puppy Freya all came and sat at the altar with me. I lit the candle, then lit some palo santo, letting the smoke cleanse my body and heart before handing it to Ezra, who did the same, before handing it to his sister. I spoke briefly about responsibility when it comes to the energy we meet inside ourselves and embody in our home.
I reminded about the choices we have when we don’t get our way; when something is disappointing and upsetting to us. I talked about energetic impact and contagion~ the call to become more conscious about what we are “spreading” to others~ is it anger, resentment and blame? Can we intend to “spread” our forgiveness, love and compassion?
And finally I talked about self-hatred and what we harbor against ourselves. How important it is to fully feel the pain when it arises, but then to let it go, let it move on through…to forgive ourselves and one another. I addressed Ezra’s ‘adoption’ comment directly, saying “There is nothing you could do or say; no way you could ever act, no mistake you could make, that would change how much I love you, or how fully I want you, or my commitment to being here for you, no matter what, for your whole life and beyond. Ok? ” Ezra cried then, and buried his face in my lap, releasing. I stroked his precious head for a moment… and then invited him to blow out the candle and carefully make a wish.
We moved into the kitchen and prepared for breakfast. Arayla took the puppy out to the yard, and Ezra got his clothes on. Just another single mama retrograde morning~ stretching me to new depths of tenderness, dharma and resolve.
Bless us all as we teach and learn from one another in the hardest ways… through pain and mistake, through wound and repair, through this love and grace that works us over and uses us~ again and again and again, always only in service of more love.